Up and Down

Today is a down day after so many up days in a row. I am really tired. I have so much I want to do but I can't drag myself to do any of it. I feel really big and really stretched today. Uncomfortable. I am so grateful that my husband has been here to do some of the work. And I am so grateful for my sister who has come over the last two days- on her own- to help me with the bedtime routine. David leaves tomorrow for 13 days. It's the last long road trip, but I hope I feel better than this while he is gone. I am amazed that some days I feel so tired and big and some days I feel really good and like it is all very manageable. Today I just wanted to be in bed all day. I have a meeting and a few errands tomorrow so I hope I can rally and feel lots better.

Today is Claire's 27th birthday. Happy Birthday Claire! I love you so!

I overheard the girls talking today. Something about marrying each other. Carter said, but I can't marry you because I have to marry my husband. Katie said, but that's okay, I will still always love you.

I opened a package of newborn diapers yesterday to have them set up in the nursery. This is all very unsuperstitious of me... The diapers were so tiny I almost started crying. I can't believe my girls were ever that small. I can't believe this baby will be that small either! I need to take a comparison pic of the NB diapers next to the girls' pullups. Like two totally different items.

Even if I am tired and uncomfortable. I am really happy and excited about what's to come.

All I'm Saying

... is if you wake me up twice in the same night (at 2 am by scaring me to death and then again at 7am on a Sunday morning by ringing my doorbell twice in two minutes) and you are not A)my child or B)bleeding, you better be prepared to face the wrath of 32 weeks of pregnancy in the midst of eleven days alone with two kids and a dog that loses his mind when the doorbell rings (twice. at 7am. On a SUNDAY morning).

8 Weeks To Go!

I have been really bad about blogging. We went to Virginia for two weeks which was nice and relaxing and a good summer break. The girls had a great time playing outside, jumping on the trampoline, swimming, splashing in mud puddles, eating lots of ice cream and going to the beach an boardwalk in Delaware. Our friends drove up from North Carolina to see us. It was so fun to see them and to catch up.

Then we got home and I was sorely out of shape for taking care of two girls and a dog by myself. I had two days of pain trying to get my body used to the physical workload of it.
Then we had a great week with David. The girls were in summer school all week for four hours a day so David and I had time to catch up with each other and with a bunch of projects we needed to get to. Then he had All Star Break so we got to spend more quality time with him. We even got to go on a family staycation to Napa where the girls got to stay in a hotel, eat room service ice cream and swim in the hotel pool. They were finally sort of comfortable in the water with their floaties. Carter kicked her way across the pool several times.

It felt so good to be in the water in my very pregnant state. I still have 8 weeks to go and I can't imagine getting any bigger. My stomach is really stretching. It is like the baby is sticking straight out. Everyone says boys carry that way, but I thought that was silly until now! By the end of each day my belly button is so sore. I have been trying to walk every day. It is easy when the girls are in school because I walk them to and from school which is a perfect walk for me right now. But when they are not, I have to motivate them to get ready, get in the stroller and come out with me. Not an easy task.

David is gone for 11 days again. Girls are getting better at tolerating him coming and going, although the first night is always rough with them getting up a lot. They are helping me more, but still make a mess of the house in seconds. I can't be bothered to care too much.

I can't believe that in 8 weeks we will have a new member of our family! I can't wait to meet him but I also am not ready for another baby!

Doing What I Can

Today was a tough day. I will be glad to go to sleep and put this day behind me. This day in which I put the girls in the stroller and walked for an hour and a half with my ipod ear buds in my ears and the volume turned up loud so as to drown out any questions, any whining, arguing, fighting. They fell asleep within 2 minutes of being in the stroller. I listened to my music and moved my body and tried really hard not to cry. The dog got a walk. I got a little break. I needed it.

I wonder if I am failing my kids by staying home with them. I am losing perspective. When David is gone this long and I spend so much time with them alone, I stop appreciating all the little things that make them amazing. I feel like my brain is wasting away and also overtaxed from trying to avoid senseless arguments with irrational three year olds. I need to not over-analyze one awful day. I need to rest.

Eleven Days

So the first night of an eleven day road trip went like all other first nights of road trips. Carter woke up about 10 times in the night. She finally ended up coming into my bed. Whenever the dog tried to come into our bed she threw a fit so I had to get up to tuck him back in his bed. Carter woke up for the day at 6am and wanted Katie to be up right then. I convinced her to play quietly in bed until Katie woke up on her own. At 7 Katie woke up and screamed until I came in to her room to help her out of her bed so she could walk to my bed. As soon as she got into my bed both girls started fighting over covers and places and then both were missing their princess dolls and the correct dresses. We finally all got settled and the dog stood up whining to go out. I think I could handle an eleven day road trip with no problem if I just got sleep. Carter woke up with scarlet cheeks and has a fever. I sent our digital thermometer and tylenol in a suitcase with David since he is going to Virginia and we will be there in 2 weeks. I have another infant digital thermometer that I don't really trust. I really wanted to get out the door early to walk. We are almost ready to go but it is certainly not early! 9am!

Today is my parents anniversary. I think it has been 35 years! Hard to believe! Congratulations mom and dad.

Emotions

Today I am feeling very emotional. I feel like it is so irrational and beyond my control and not at all related to anything that is really going on in my life and so I am blaming it on hormones from pregnancy. But it still is difficult. I have that constant raw feeling in my throat. And everything- good or bad or indifferent, enhances that feeling. My watermelon slice broke in my hand and got all over the kitchen floor. I wanted to cry about it. I watched a snippet on 60 Minutes about Michael Phelps and wanted to cry out of pride that he accomplished his goals and that his mom is so proud of him. I came down to the absolute wreck that is my house after finally getting my girls to sleep at 9pm after a full day with no nap and wanted to weep at how overwhelmed I am one day into a 12 day stretch of being alone with all this. I am not really a person that cries a lot. I hate the feeling afterwards when my whole body is still heaving and my face is a swollen wreck. My face takes about 2 days to get back to normal after I cry. If I cry within a few hours of going to sleep, the next day I look like I got beat up.

I don't know how to come out of this. Normally I would go work out or do something to pamper myself, but I can't exactly do that right now without a lot of coordination of childcare and a lot of cleaning before anyone walked in the door to take care of my kids. This is when I really wish I lived close to family. Being with someone else helps a lot. I think I am going to get up early and get the girls and dog out the door as early as I can so I can get a good walk in to start the day. Hopefully getting my blood flowing will help. Wish me luck.

Dog-UGH

My poor dog. I really do love him. He is sweet, very gentle, very sensitive and in tune with the moods at our house. He lets my kids dress him up, lead him around the house, even up the stairs by his collar without any hint of complaint or any sign of aggression. He puts up with being fed late, being fed the same food every day twice a day. He rarely has accidents in the house and waits patiently to be taken out. Well, not really- he whines a lot when he needs to go out, but usually it is because I have forgotten to take him out. He thinks he is a lap dog even though he is too big and heavy and bony to really be a lap dog. If you are sitting on a flat surface for more than 2 minutes, chances are he will be next to you with his head on your lap or tucked behind your back. He has very expressive eyes and ears. He is a sweet dog. But, he is also neurotic.

I always say it is like he is a visitor to another planet and he is trying so hard to understand us- our habits, our language, our rules, but he just can't and it really eats him up. Whenever anyone comes to our house he barks and if we let the person in he makes a big fuss greeting them with jumping barking running around, sometimes jumping over the couch to get to his bed. Then he chews a plastic bone for the next 45 minutes. It is nervous chewing, very focused, very intense.

When my husband is gone (which is every other week for a week to 10 days half the year) he cannot handle it. He whines about everything. He whines to go out, he whines to be fed, he whines to be given the leftovers from your plate. He whines to be tucked in under a cover, he whines when he wants you to sit down so he can jump on your lap. He whines and whines and whines about EVERYthing.

He also cannot handle it when we leave him alone in the house. He is four and a half, and we pretty much leave him alone for some part of the day every day, and have done so almost every day of his life. Still, he cannot handle it. Especially when my husband is gone, but also when he is here, if we leave, we have to dog proof the house before we go. If we don't "dog proof" we come home to: bags of bulk cereal shaken all over the floor, diapers eaten, sticks of butter eaten and then buried in his bed, missing loaves of bread found under our bed, etc. He has been to the vet 4 times to get his stomach emptied by induced vomiting because he ate the contents of a dirty diaper that was not in a diaper pail. This usually happens when my husband is away and one of our parents has come to help us with the babies. They don't realize the importance of dog-proofing. We never throw away any diaper in any trash can that the dog can get to.

Today I woke up and vacuumed the house before packing lunches and getting all of us ready to go on a play date. Our house was the in-case-of-rain location so I wanted the dust off the floor where kids would be crawling. It took a long time and the vacuum always stirs up the dog and my girls. We got out the door late, and it did look like rain so I was glad that the house was pretty clean. We ended up staying a long time at the park and not coming to our house. I was so glad to be returning to a clean house for a change.

The first thing I noticed was a diaper on the dog bed. Not good. It was pretty much the shell of a diaper. I pictured a long day at the weekend animal hospital alone with my two girls and my pregnant belly waiting for him to be seen, then waiting for him to vomit up all the contents of the diaper before we could take him home. Then I noticed what looked like confetti and dew drops everywhere I looked. On the floor, on the couch, on the fireplace, on the front of the china cabinet. On the table, the chairs, the slats of wood on the back of the chairs. The window sills, the stairs, under the couch, under the table. EVERYWHERE. It was the contents of the diaper.

I cannot imagine how he got it in all the places he got it. He had to have been attacking the thing- shaking it in every direction, jumping around with it. Part of me wishes I had video surveillance of my house. I just couldn't believe it. THANK GOODNESS the play date did not end up at my house. My friends and their kids would have walked into my new house covered in cotton shavings and pee-saturated gel from the inside of one diaper. The gel is what makes the diapers so absorbent. It fills with whatever liquid it touches. In this case, urine. Since we never throw away diapers in any trashcan that is open to the dog- this one must have been from when my parents were here a few days ago. Lovely 3 day old urine all over every surface of the downstairs of my house.

The gel is sticky and not easy to vacuum. Clean up took about 45 minutes. Sometimes I could just shake that dog. A box of butter softening from the freezer was also missing. I had gotten it out in case we did have to have the play date at our house. I thought we could make cookies. I found it in the rocking chair in the nursery. Oh what a dog. When I was done cleaning and locating the missing box of butter, I found him in my room on my pillow with the guiltiest look on his face, trembling. I scolded him and he skulked into his own bed in the smallest ball he could form with his long bony body. Sad guilty dog eyes and ears down in supplication.

Five minutes later he was whining to go out.

Help?

I must hold things awkwardly. Whenever I lift something, even what I believe to be a fairly light load, people always ask me if I need help. Some dive forward as if to catch what I just picked up. People have come up to me after watching me walk a ways with a heavy load to tell me they can't believe I carried that much that far- that they have been watching me for four blocks and thought I would drop everything long before. When I hand my husband my purse or diaper bag or luggage, he usually looks at me in surprise and then adjusts the load accordingly. When I was 17, someone who cared about me told me I never let people help me. My first thought was, that's not true, but seeing him empty-handed as I carried 4 bags on my body and an armload of stuff into a meeting gave me pause.

I don't know why I am like this. Maybe being the oldest child in a big family, I automatically try to carry as much as I can since I was always a helper. Maybe I am lazy and want to take as few trips as possible.

I certainly carry too much at a time. I don't need as much as I carry in my purse, my car, my attic and garage and bathroom cabinets. Having just moved it all I am ready to purge a lot of the extra stuff I have. Being pregnant I realize I need to lighten what I carry and take more trips from the car. But I still always automatically refuse help when offered. It's just a reflex reaction, and I am beginning to think it's silly. Allowing people to help you opens you up to a connection with them. I just automatically feel that no it's not necessary- save that offer for a time when I REALLY need help. Which is ridiculous because I would willingly help anyone as many times as they needed. It's not like there is only a certain amount of assistance out there and I will use it all up by letting people help me carry things.

I remember times when I was very offended when people assumed I needed help or just simply took things out of my arms as if I couldn't do it myself. I see this in my 3 year old daughters and I see how ridiculous it is. I see them struggle and I want to help them and they get really mad at me and tell me they can do it all by themselves. But then there are times when I know they can carry something of theirs in the house and they say they can't and I get annoyed then too.

My husband doesn't automatically offer to carry things for me. Ironically, this is something I like about him. He knows what I can and can't carry. A funny thing he always does that I tease him about is- he can't get in the car with anything in his hands. If he is carrying something to the car, he usually hands it to me before walking around to the driver's seat. As if it is easier for me to get in the passenger seat with all his stuff than for him to do it himself. Usually I just put it in the back before getting in myself. But why can't he do the same thing?

But lately, I get annoyed when he doesn't offer to help. Maybe it is the pregnancy, or the fact that my hip is hurting again, but if I am struggling, I don't want to be left alone, I want help. Total strangers notice this, but sometimes those closest to us do not. I am finding myself asking for help more, which is a big step for me. Help from my husband, my girls, my sister. I need to work toward asking for help from friends and acquaintances and even strangers as well. I know I would help if asked so I need to ask myself. It's still difficult though.

So Tired

My husband has been gone for 5 days and no one has been sleeping well at night. I don't recall ever feeling this tired. Even after 4 months with newborn twins I think I had more mental and physical energy than I do at this moment. Part of the problem is I can't nap since my girls are not napping every day. If I leave them unattended for a minute, they get into something or destroy something. So I am up and trying to think of things for us to do all the time. Exhausting. Right now the house is a mess, I have no idea what we are having for dinner, I have read all the books my daughters care to hear, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I have a long to-do list but all I want to do is sleep. zzzzz

So It Begins

I heard and saw my daughters whispering and scheming to do naughty things behind my back today for the first time. Katie has been tiptoeing around the past two days and when I ask her what she's doing she has a guilty look across her face and tells me she can't tell me what she is doing and please can I leave the room.

One time she was biting little bites off of the remains of a baguette, the other time she was taking saltines one at a time. I could hear her crunching from the other room and could follow her trail of crumbs. Little devil.

Today they were peeling eggs on stools at the counter while I bought our plane tickets online. Then all of a sudden they both left the kitchen and disappeared for a while. When I called them down for lunch, they both came running down with very pleased, very guilty looks on their faces. I asked them what they had been doing and Katie whispered to Carter, "Carter you can't tell her- it's our secret." Carter said, "Mommy, I can't tell you, it's just our secret." I asked them again and they said they couldn't tell me. I saw chocolate all over their faces so I asked if they had chocolate and they both nodded their heads and Carter said, "Yes, we had chocolate up in our rooms and we hid the wrappers in our bookshelf so you wouldn't find them." They were both laughing and blushing and SO PLEASED with themselves.

Then there was a lot of audible whispering on Katie's part telling Carter what naughty scheme they should try next. When I told them I could hear them, they laughed so hard about it. Silly girls.

We are in for it now. Starting with secret scheming at age 3! The sweetest part is that they will keep each other's secrets. Loyal sisters.

Bad Mom

I got chewed out at the Marin Farmer's Market today for leaving my dog in the hot car while I dashed in and bought strawberries. Three angry women were chastising me for taking too long. Two angry three-year-olds were screaming at me because they were not ready to leave the market yet (We were literally away from the car for 10 minutes). One angry man was defending me to the angry women (He talked to me as I got out of the car and saw me walking hurriedly to my car). I had the remains of a migraine pounding in my head. I could not get out of there fast enough.

My refrigerator is still empty of veggies. I keep looking at the dog to see if there is any sign that he was affected in any way by the 10 minutes in the car on what was admittedly a hotter day than I first thought (which is why I rushed back to the car-once I realized). He retreated to the back of the van to escape the air conditioner on our way home. We got home and he whined to be let out on the deck where he baked himself in the sun until he was heaving and panting and then came inside and lay right on my pillow. During dinner he was running all over the living room trying to catch a fly in his jaws- the sound of his teeth clicking together making all of us laugh. Why does criticism- even completely misinformed not-applicable criticism stay in your head at the forefront of your thoughts, and praise, even well-deserved praise dissolve instantly in your memory?

All day I have felt like a bad mom because of what those fired up women said- even lied about (one woman said she had been standing by my car 40 minutes and had placed a call to the vet number on the dog tags 30 minutes before). Um sorry- not possible. I was parked in the spot a total of 20 minutes, away from my car a total of 10 minutes.

I am only now remembering the five different times each of my daughters told me she loved me today. I think if my dog hated me or felt neglected by me, he would not have chosen my pillow to slobber on after his patio bake. Or maybe he chose it BECAUSE I am such a bad mom. Hope those strawberries taste good!

Home Again

I woke up and made meatballs before I ate breakfast. I went to the grocery store and made stuffed shells. I watched my mother who had knee surgery yesterday bend down to pick up a microscopic princess shoe from the floor of the understairs closet. I packed all our stuff from our 10 day trip, took about 5,000 steps rounding up everything I could see and cleaning up what I could and then got in the car and drove 530 miles. One hour into the trip I stopped at Babies R Us and bought a baby shower gift, then wrapped it with my two kids still in the shopping cart and the dog waiting in the hot car with a frozen block of grass-fed beef and a half loaf of homemade pumpkin bread in the ice chest beneath him.

I listened to 1.5 books on CD and half a Giant's game. I ordered my child a cheeseburger happy meal at McDonalds with no meat, no onions, extra cheese in the cheeseburger. I almost fell in a ditch while trying to pick up after my dog at a gas station green patch. I looked pregnant in every window I passed. I got home, backed into my tiny garage while my eyes could barely focus after driving so long. I unloaded our stuff into the elevator (still boggles my mind that I possess an elevator).

I got my girls into bed and met their millionth demands of the day, "No mom- that water is icy cold and I wanted a sip of warm water before bed." I found the two invitations to the two parties we have tomorrow in two different piles of paper in our living room. I hit my shins on our new bed frame 3 times and pretended I did not notice that the curtain rod my husband installed in the girls' room is crooked and that there is an unidentified smell in the refrigerator. I did notice that we now have two couches and a futon in our living room at the moment. It is 12:20am and a new day. A different day from the one where I woke up and made meatballs before I ate breakfast.

Does anyone else in the world have days like this?

LONG Day

We are still settling in and unpacking and trying to find a place for everything and trying to get rid of the old and bring in some new. Today we got up, got the girls ready for school, dropped them off. We had to take in our car which was in very bad shape- shaking terribly in idle and smelling of smoky oil. We dropped off the car at the mechanic, dropped off a bag of stuff at the Salvation Army and then went shopping for a mattress.

We decided to get a king sized bed for our bedroom and give our old bed to the guest room. We have been sleeping on a futon mattress on the floor of our room for a week now. So we went to the mattress store and found a mattress and some pillows that we liked. We decided not to order them right then because we wanted to make sure a king sized bed would actually fit in our room with the closet armoire and nightstands we were going to buy for our room. So we came back home and cleared all the stuff out of our master bedroom and layed out some paper cutouts I had measured and cut to be the same size of the furniture we were planning to buy. We played with the layout and found a way it could fit. Only one of us can have a nightstand, but my husband is willing to make that sacrifice since he is getting a behemoth closet to hold all his clothes.

So because it fit we decided to make our fourth trip to IKEA this month to buy the bed and closet. Because I have had some BAD experiences with IKEA- remind me to tell you that story sometime- I decided to go online and make sure what we wanted was in fact in stock before we made the trek across the Bay Bridge in vain. So David went to pick up the girls from school and I got on the internet. Everything we wanted was in stock and there was a Home Depot nearby where we could pick up a few things we needed and maybe get some cabinet catalogs to plan the remaining cabinets in our kitchen. I wrote down all the measurements of everything we needed. I had addresses and directions to Home Depot, I was prepared.

Then the girls were hungry for lunch so we decided to grab some pizza at our neighborhood spot. Since our new house is close now and parking is tough around the restaurant, we decided to walk the four blocks. We had a nice walk, and nice lunch and a nice walk back where we got straight in the car to run our errands. We had the girls' blankets and stuffed animals so they could nap in the car if they wanted. We got to IKEA at about 1:45, went straight to the place we needed, had help finding exactly what we wanted, went straight to the warehouse area to pick up the boxes and after some rearranging and fetching of multiple carts, we miraculously got all we could from the self service area. David took the girls to get ice cream at the snack bar just past the checkout while I paid for our items. Then I went to the furniture pick up area and got the rest of the boxes that were not housed in the self service area. I waited 10 minutes and they were there. David got the car and brought it to the front. We loaded the car with as much as we could fit and then we had to take the rest in to arrange for delivery to our house. We decided to take all the bed pieces and the small closet pieces and leave the fragile mirrored closet doors and the huge heavy closet boxes to be delivered. We left IKEA at 4:10pm.

David actually said, "It's just after four- should we just scrap Home Depot and beat the traffic on the bridge?" I could have said yes. I should have said yes. I didn't. There are 3 Home Depots surrounding San Francisco. Each is a minimum of 35 minutes from our place. We have gone once before to try to pick out cabinets while the girls were in school and by the time we got there and got someone to help us we had to turn around and come back to pick up the girls. It is such a pain to get there and such a pain to get any help once there that I just thought- like stripping a band aid off hairy skin- let's just get it all over with!

So Home Depot was about 3 miles away from IKEA. We found it without too much trouble. The girls were watching a quick DVD which was not over by the time we parked so I sent David in to start working on our list and we planned to meet in the cabinet section. The DVD quickly ended and I got the girls in a cart and we went in. As I walked in the door, a very helpful worker asked if we needed anything. I told him we needed to look at cabinets. He brought me back there and we saw David trying to find a water filter for our refrigerator. He led us to more options and they didn't have what we were looking for. Then we told him we needed cabinet catalogs. He told us that there were cabinet reps there in the store that day willing to coordinate a free in-home consultation and custom order so he radioed those people and told them to come to us. When they didn't come, he led us to the front of the store where they usually were.

While walking I had the BRILLIANT idea that we should get the sheet of plywood the mattress saleswoman said we would need to support our king sized mattress instead of the slats provided by IKEA. We had our van- had our bed, needed the plywood and we were at Home Depot with a very nice worker who was escorting us around the store helping us with our every need. I mentioned this to the worker and he took us to the plywood section and told us the type he recommended and told us they could cut it to size for us and help us tie it to the top of our van. Beautiful. Items were crossing themselves off my list! This never happens.

Here is where it all started to fall apart. The cabinet reps were not coming to us to coordinate our in-home consultation. We didn't have the actual measurements for the plywood- we just had the wooden slats we had purchased at IKEA. So David had to go to the parking lot and measure the slats with measuring tape. While I waited for him I decided to go back to the cabinet area and talk to someone there. A very nice man talked to the girls while a very nice woman gave me two cabinet catalogs and showed me how to find what I was looking for on the internet. She also showed me how to purchase and cut some shelving to turn the broom closet we have now into a pantry. So we got that wood, David had the measurements for the bed plywood and all we needed to do was get the wood cut. I took the girls back to the car while David got the cuts.

45 minutes later he came out with the shelves cut and two HUGE pieces of plywood and a long narrow piece. Two of the three fit in the back of the van and one would have to be tied to the roof. There was much cursing and we had to bring the van to the front of the store to use the twine they had on hand. The worker had said they would help us tie it to our car. When David asked for that help, he was told that it is store policy not to help with that so that they are not responsible when it flies off your car into oncoming traffic. David heaved the board onto the roof and tried for 20 minutes to tie the pitiful twine tight enough to secure the over-sized board to our car. It was not working. After all his efforts the board still moved about a foot in every direction. Surely we would kill somebody on our drive home. We both had splinters and I just asked him if he would rather go in and get the board cut in half so it would fit in the back. He said yes.

So I stayed parked in the front of the store with the motor on thinking it would take 5 minutes at most. The girls were watching a DVD and if you turn off the motor, the DVD restarts when you turn it back on- causing all manner of protests and tantrums from the girls. We were late into a no-nap day and they had behaved beautifully so far so we just kept them happy with the DVD. 20 minutes later David called me to tell me he was still waiting to be helped. He had called them, someone had radioed for a worker to go to him and no one was coming. We had already paid for the plywood and had most of it in our car already. We had already tried tying it to the roof. All we could do was wait. 20 more minutes passed. Still no help. I have been sitting in the front of the store loading zone with the car running for 40 minutes.

David texted to tell me the manager himself was supposedly on his way to help him but was not there yet. I thought we would be there all night. Finally he came out and loaded the wood in the back. No words were spoken. I just drove home. We got home to our house at 7:40pm after leaving for lunch at 12:00noon. The poor dog flew out the door and peed for 5 minutes.

I made dinner as fast as I could, bathed the girls, dressed them, brushed teeth and read stories. Then I folded 3 baskets of laundry and cleaned up while David unloaded the van and reassembled our bedroom. He took 10 loads of stuff to our attic. Now we are delirious and need to go to bed (10:15pm). What a day.

I am pretty sure after I order these cabinets from Home Depot which need to match the current cabinets ordered from Home Depot I will never be going back there again. The good service we got misled us into buying wood since we thought we would have help tying to our car. The bad service we got cost us an hour and a half of waiting at the end of a busy long day. UGGGGHHHH!! Thank God the girls were so good through it all. We would not have made it otherwise.

The worst part- there are many more days like this ahead before the long list of things we have to do is even close to being done.

For Good Reason

I have been tired and cranky and feeling a little sorry for myself as a result. I have had some very supportive voicemails from friends and my mother and mother in law flew in to help us as we packed and moved- something we haven't done for 4 years and never with kids. My friend just reminded me that I have good reason to feel tired. I am 16 weeks pregnant, have toddler twins and a dog, my husband has been traveling a lot for work and we just moved. I am exhausted just reading that! The girls have been having a tough time with the move. They understand it all, and seem okay with it in their words and descriptions, but they have been very quick to cry and scream lately- not at all like them. They also stopped napping every day and without a nap they are CRANKY! With a nap they stay up until 10:30pm!

So as usual we are crazed. But I am very grateful too. Grateful to have a new house, a bigger kitchen, a happy healthy family that is together. A baby on the way. A husband who loves his job even though it is a lot of work lately. Good friends who check up on me and offer to bring me dinner, supportive parents on both sides, without whom none of this would be possible. So, I haven't posted very often. I have been doing my best to get through each day without collapsing from fatigue. But I am working my way back.

Katie and Carter made lists today and presented them to me. I asked them what they said and Katie replied, "I knew the words as I was writing them but now I have forgotten what it says." But- it was squiggly lines in a list format. Not bad for a first list!

The Hard Questions

I took my girls to a diner for lunch. I was in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich and we had no bread left in the house. They are at a stage where they are asking a ton of questions and giving out a lot of unsolicited information.
"Mom, do you know what french fries are made of? Say what?" (They tell me how to answer their questions.)

I say, "what?"

Carter says, "Potatoes. They cut the big potatoes into little sticks and they become french fries."

"Mom where does salt come from? I think it comes from sugar."

I do my best to try to explain that salt is a mineral (is it?) and that it is a part of our earth, that the ocean is filled with salt water. They are listening but are thinking in their own minds their own ways of understanding the words I am saying.

"Is there pepper in the ocean?"
"I think the fish eat it and it makes them sneeze."
"I think the jellyfish eat it too, but it's too spicy, they only like kid foods that are not spicy, not grown-up foods that are spicy."

"Mom where does the sun come from?"

I think my brain is pretty slow today because I cannot think how to explain this to a three year old child. I tell her it's in outer space at the center of our solar system. God only knows what this means to her because her next question is,

"Do we push the sun in the center of the solar system?"
I tell her that no, we can't touch the sun because it is too hot. We can't even get too close to the sun.

Our food comes and I watch my daughters eat their entire kids meals. One ate a giant burger, one a giant hot dog. Both ate all their fries and drank all their milk. I could not eat all my sandwich, even though it was EXACTLY what I was looking for. As we walk out of the restaurant, Katie asks me,

"Mom, what are hot dogs made of?"

Missing: One Nap. Last Seen February 18. REWARD

We are on day 3 of no naps on purpose.

I can't tell if it is a good decision or a mistake. Yes they are in bed asleep by 8pm which is something that has not happened for about 5 months. There is less fighting, less threatening them to be quiet and go to sleep or they would lose a privilege or a toy or all their blankets (we were desperate). There is less of a struggle to get them to do each step of the bedtime routine. They go straight to sleep without talking, without the endless requests for rocking or water or me sitting on the sofa.

But there are also two fewer hours during the daylight for me to do what I need to do without disaster ensuing because I am not paying complete attention to both girls. Our house is a WRECK. It is always cluttered but without the quick pickup I do every day while they nap, it is really really bad. And since me picking up anything while they are awake and inside is an automatic cue for them to take out and play with that exact item I just put away, I have sort of given up. I try to pick things up in secret, but then I look up at the clock and lunch is late because all I have been doing since breakfast is trying to pick things up and put them away without them noticing.

I also sort of miss their little negotiating and requesting me to rock them. I feel like they are growing up. All of a sudden they don't take naps anymore? I thought this would happen when they were 5. I liked hearing their little conversations over the monitor. They were supposed to be sleeping, but it was quite entertaining to hear the stream of consciousness spewing out of them in the pitch black dark of their room.

The dog, who usually naps in their room with them while they nap, or who gets a quick ten minutes of ball throwing in the yard while they nap is beside himself. He peed on the floor when my sister came over- something he has not done in months.

I feel the same way. It is 8pm, I have the whole night to myself to do whatever I want. But for the third night in a row all I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and sleep for the rest of the night. I am usually a night owl, but I am beyond tired. A solid 13 hours of occupying two three-year-olds with no break is suddenly seeming impossible. Throw in the dog and David's travel schedule which is picking up again, and I might just pee on the floor myself!

To Do: Find someone who can train my kids to pick up the clutter and exercise the dog while I nap. I don't even mind if they catch up on emails or read quietly when they are done. Bonus if they could print out a new recipe for dinner and plan the afternoon errands. Is there a Cesar Milan for toddlers?

Picture of Your Loins

I was sitting at my computer trying to quickly return a few emails before my girls noticed I was out of the room when Katie came in, climbed on my lap and asked, "Can I see that picture of your loins?"

I had no idea what she meant so I asked for clarification.

"That picture of your loins with the man and woman with snakes on their bodies."

Oh- I got it- NEW ORLEANS. Not my loins.

Her grandparents are in New Orleans and sent us a picture of a man and woman with snakes wrapped around them. I showed it to her yesterday on my computer and she wanted to see it again.

Then she wanted a second look at "Bub wearing Marnigron Beads."

Happy Valentine's Day

I have never been really into this holiday in the traditional way but I do have some happy and wild Valentine memories.

We got our first family pet, a gray and white cat, near Valentine's Day so we named her Valentine.

Before that though I remember my mom calling me into her room one night before bed and on the back of her toilet was perched two clear plastic heart containers with red-hot hearts inside. My name was written in gold marker on one of the plastic hearts. I remember being so surprised by this- where did they get a gold marker that would write on plastic? How did the box maker know my name? Did they make one for every name? I remember feeling so special that my sister Maggie and I got a valentine. Funny what sticks in your mind.

I remember when my boyfriend, now my husband, gave me a beautiful gold heart necklace for Valentine's Day. We never made a big deal of it- never went to big dinners, always just kept it low-key. When he gave me his card, I thought that was it and then he pulled out a little box. The look of pride and excitement and love on his face was the real gift. The necklace serves as an eternal reminder of that look.

When he was in grad school at Syracuse I flew out to surprise him for Valentine's Day. It was a big gesture. Long distance had been hard on our relationship as was the fact that I was working in the corporate world and he was still a student. I emailed one of his closest friends at school and coordinated a pick-up at the airport. It was Syracuse, New York in mid February and I had grown up in Arizona and California. I didn't own a winter coat! I borrowed what I needed and rang his doorbell at 10pm. He came out to the foyer in pajamas and looked at me as if I were a total stranger. His friend later admitted that for a split-second he was worried that I was not David's girlfriend after all, just some crazy stalker whom he brought directly to David's house at 10:00 at night! When he realized that I was actually there, in person to surprise him, the look of recognition and excitement that finally registered on his face was worth it all. It snowed the whole time I was there. But I finally felt like I knew where he was and what he was doing all day.

When we were newly married, I believe our second Valentine's Day as husband and wife, we were invited to dinner by one of the first major player's agents in baseball. This man was so interesting and had had his phones bugged by baseball owners trying to get the best deal on players he represented. He never gave out his information, barely ever left voicemails, paid for everything in cash. He invited us to dinner and then remembered that he had agreed to watch his nephew's hockey game in a town 45 minutes away. The day of, he moved our dinner to that town on Valentine's night. We were intrigued so we made the drive. He met us, had cocktails and appetizers with us, then ordered us the full romantic menu for dinner and left for the hockey game. He came back and had dessert with us and continued our conversation for another hour before we all had to drive back to our town. Wild!

The next year we had just moved back to California. My parents' house had just burned down the autumn before. I had just started a new job. We were invited by extended family to spend the weekend at Augusta National Golf Course. Not being a golfer I did not understand the magnitude of this invitation. I knew Augusta as a place that excluded women and minorities. I was not ready to ask for time off from a new job to go there. My patient husband basically ignored my protests and was nice enough not to tell me how ridiculous I was being. When I told my boss why I would need a few days off, he practically drove us to the airport himself. We got to Georgia and spent Valentine's night at a lovely dinner at Peachtree country club. Our time at Augusta was one of the most relaxing and restorative weekends of my entire life. All of the stress of the fire, the move, the new job melted away. The food and company were divine. The shower in that place was the best shower I have ever been in! I don't know if I will ever make it to Augusta again, but it was an experience I will never forget.

The last Valentine's Day that I really remember was three years ago when my daughters were exactly 2 months old. Our friend David Lee came over and brought us dinner. Right as we were eating it, the power went out on our block! I had to breastfeed by candle light. My David sat with me on the bed ready to help and our friend sat outside the room on the top step shining a wind-up flashlight in our direction just to add to the light. It took an hour to feed our girls and the power never came back on. It is a true friend who will bring you dinner on Valentine's Day and then sit in the dark for an hour to keep you company while winding up a flashlight.

Today our girls told us over and over that they were not our valentines because they are not cards shaped like hearts. They loved their cards and candy from their grandmothers and their cousin Maya. D made a nice steak dinner and we ate as a family. Doesn't get much better than that!

My Aunt Julie

My Aunt Julie turned the big FOUR-OH today and I have been thinking about her all day. My throat is sore and I have not had much time to talk on the phone so I didn't get to call her, but I thought I would attempt the impossible- to put into words how much she means to me.

I will find a picture of us to put up here but until I do I should probably start by describing the pictures I have in my mind when I think about Julie. I think about long skinny brown legs in short 70's and 80's style shorts with cotton tank tops. She grew up in Arizona and Oklahoma, two places with hot summers. She always played outside with me for as long as I wanted when I was little- doing gymnastics in the grass, making mud pies in the side yard of my grandparents' house, roller skating in the driveway, eating popsicles and watermelon in our swimsuits, playing in the sprinklers until our hands and feet were prunes.

I think about how she shared everything with me. I mean everything. When I went to her room, she let me touch and try on and use everything. I remember the posters up on her wall- of Duran Duran and Prince. I remember her lip gloss in a metal tin where the top slid off. I could never do it myself because I already had slick lip gloss on my hands and I always insisted on closing the tin and then she had to help me open it again. I wouldn't be surprised if I asked her to do this 80 times a day and she did it every time for me. I remember her tapes and her boom box and I was always taking out tapes and putting them in. She never told me to leave her stuff alone. She always played me whatever I wanted to hear even if it was the same song over and over. She let me play with all her toys, draw with all her markers, put on all her jewelry, sleep in her bed. I probably ruined everything she ever had and she never got mad at me. She always was looking for new things to share with me and ways to occupy me.

I remember the smell of her lotion and the way her long fingers always grabbed my wrist and forearm tightly. I remember her laugh. Everyone in our family laughs so loud and deep and booming and she does too, but it is the greatest sound. She is so funny and can make everyone around her recite words or phrases that she makes funny with her inflection. Stuff that you just can't explain in written words- you just have to hear the sound for it to be funny. When Julie says it three times everyone around her begins to say it over and over too- and she laughs every time and then says it herself the original most funny way.

Julie moved to Oklahoma when she was a teenager. That must have been really hard for her to move to a tiny town away from all her friends. She was still the same generous selfless person whenever we visited. She was at an age when she probably thought it was so lame to spend a month of her summer with kids 8 and 11 and more years younger than she, but she never made us feel like a burden. She took us to her school and where she worked, she took us to the city pool and out for burgers and tater tots and snow cones and ice cream. She introduced us to all her friends and drove us to main street to the dollar store. We spent all day every day with her and we were never bored. They are some of the happiest memories of my life- driving with her anywhere, sprawled across her bed with our long legs and dirty bare feet tucked under each other- doing nothing and feeling like it was everything.

When I was in 6th grade she lived with us in San Diego and shared a room with me. Again- how someone of college age could put up with sharing space with a sixth grader is beyond me. She worked and then went out at night and then woke up every morning at 6am to style my hair for me in the 80's style with huge pouffy bangs. She did it better than I could and bigger than my mom would so I needed her to do it. She never said no. She got up every day. She took us to our activities and took us to McDonalds and to the fair. She watched us when our parents went out of town. She never acted like a mom to us- she always made everything so fun- she was always like the coolest friend you could ever know.

Julie is gorgeous. She was a bombshell in high school. After she lived with us she left all her dresses that she got for high school dances at our house and when I was 13 I was too big for dresses she wore at 16, 17 and 18 and could probably still wear in her 20s. She was so skinny and so tan. I will always remember how much I wanted to be her in her white bikini. I remember her beautiful gold chain and her love for amethysts. I always thought when I grew up I would save all my money and get her an amethyst ring.

When Julie had her son, my cousin Casey, it was like everything she had- she just shared him with all of us. The way she does everything is inclusive of all those around her and we all just liked to be with her every second doing anything she was doing. So when she was with us with Casey (her husband was in the Navy so we had long visits with her when Casey was little) we spent so much time playing with him and observing him and making him do funny things for our amusement. Seeing Casey (and all her kids)grow through Julie's eyes has forever changed the way I appreciate childhood and young kids. Julie is a great mom. She knows just how much to tease you to make you laugh and stop you before you talk back or act badly. She points out every five minutes all the things she thinks are great and cute and special about you. She is always right down at your level drawing with you, wrestling with you, swinging you, etc. When she teases you, you are embarrassed and mad, but the overwhelming feeling is that you just want to be cool and good in her eyes again. She never lets that embarrassed feeling happen without making you feel loved and accepted again within minutes.

Julie is only 8 years older than me so she was always like the best older sister I could ever have. I thought she was the coolest person in the world. All the things she was into- I got into- music wise, culture wise, etc. When I graduated from college and had my first new car, I drove it to Alabama to spend a few weeks with her. It was the first place I wanted to go when I was done with school. Julie had just had her youngest daughter two weeks before we arrived. She must have been exhausted and recovering and so overwhelmed and we added three people to her household for two weeks! She never acted like it was hard at all. I had no idea then how much she had to do to take care of a new baby, of two other kids getting used to a new baby, her husband and then us! We had such a fun visit and did so much. I still can't believe it. I am in awe of Julie's ability to go with the flow and make us feel loved and welcome against all odds.

Julie worked full time and went to school full time and took care of her family full time to become a nurse. I was in awe of her then when we flew out for her graduation, but now that I have kids myself, I just don't know how she did it. I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how much I admire her. Mostly I admire how she just lives her life in a positive way every day. If she is down, she doesn't get too down. She keeps moving and showing her family love in a thousand different ways. It reminds me a lot of my mom and my grandmother. They all are such strong women, the life force of their families and their family of friends. Nice to everyone, accepting of everyone's flaws.

I could write a book about all our funny memories and all the things I have learned from my aunt. I am so glad she was born 40 years ago. I wish I got to see her more and try to show her in even the smallest fraction of how much she has shown me how much I love her.

Happy Birthday Julie! I love you so so very much.

Stuff to Remember

Overhearing my girls playing in my bed. They are ministering to their stuffed T-Rex that they share and take turns sleeping with in their beds. He is sick and cold and needs covers. Katie says, "I know exactly what you need because I am your mom." Carter says, "Your mom is the person that loves you most of all. I am your mom too because I love you most of all too."

We made chocolate chip cookies together today. It was a tough afternoon that involved a long dramatic tantrum at naptime. They slept a long time and then Katie woke up with storm clouds in her eyes. It was a thunderous goodbye session with David when he had to go to work and the only way I could think to stop the trajectory toward an all out hurricane-force tantrum was to suggest we make cookies. After 30 minutes more of whining and complaining, "But I love you mom, I just love you and I love Daddy and I just don't want him to go to work ever again..." we were in business.

And while the whining continued well into dinner and I completely caved and let them watch a continuous loop of Max and Ruby while they ate so I could pound Cheeze-Its and call a friend in an attempt to avoid chanting like that guy in "The Burbs;" I do want to remember this time in their lives. This time, while they are three and still so compliant that when I told them they could have one cookie for dessert and then I sat in the next room, out of sight, talking to my friend they did not even attempt to take another cookie from the huge pile on the table. I don't think it even crossed their minds.

There will be so many offenses in their lives that I will not be a part of, that I might never find out about, and might never want to. I know that someday as I am trying not to be hurt and worried by those things I will look back on this time with wistfulness and remember when all their anger and emotion was right there in front of me- impossible to contain, impossible to ignore, impossible to not know exactly what they need because I am their mom and I can hear even through the whining how much they love me. And I do love them. Most of all.

Get a pillow- you may fall asleep while reading

It has been a while since I posted for various reasons. We have been busy and sick, and exhausted from both of those conditions. Exhaustion leaves me wholly uninspired to write.

There have been funny things my kids have said that I wanted to post, like, "Where in the world is the Snow White dress?" and "That is the scariest thing I have seen in all my life." But now that I write them, they don't seem that funny. You have to imagine little three year old voices saying those things out of nowhere. One other funny thing Carter said when she was going through alphabet sounds, she said "A- A for aa aa appetite." She does come from two parents with healthy appetites, but I don't know where she came up with that. I thought that was so funny when she said that.

My girls are doing all sorts of new things all on their own. They are writing letters of the alphabet- even though they refuse to let me show them how to do it. They just try it on their own, out of my sight and if they make something that resembles a letter, they come and show me and I get more excited than I probably should. They are also drawing with much more coordination and detail. It is so neat to see their art actually looking like something recognizable.

They still isolate themselves. They like to do whatever everyone else is not doing. We have Monday playdates with their classmates at the park and all the other kids play together and mine play with each other far away from the rest of the group. It makes it hard for me to get to talk to the other parents and it makes it hard for them to make friends with the other kids. I am trying not to let this bother me, but I am also hesitant to sign them up for classes and group activities because they never want to do what a group is doing. I want to expose them to new things, but it is difficult. I don't want their isolationist tendencies to hamper their social development. How's that for inventing things to worry about?

The place we are trying to buy passed inspections and we have removed the contingencies from the offer. It looks like it's really going to happen. I am having a hard time sleeping thinking of all the clutter that needs to be gone through and thinned out. With the sicknesses and all our activities nothing seems to be getting done except the creation of a lot of piles that only serve to stress me out. I am trying to do a little each day. Thank goodness we don't move in until after March 16!

Two friends of mine had their babies. Marci and Darren welcomed Hannah and Stephanie and Scott and Annika and Alexis welcomed Soren. It is so exciting to have new babies in the world. I can't wait to hold them and sniff their precious heads.

That's all for now- I need to attack a pile while my girls and my ill husband are napping.

San Francisco Weekend

It is Sunday night and I am full of Vietnamese food. We took the girls for Pho and they loved it. It is a little family place with all the utensils you might ever need on the table already so the girls keep themselves occupied with chopsticks and Asian soup spoons and even forks for the full one minute 43 seconds it takes for our food to arrive. I always order the lemongrass chicken vermicelli noodle salad. It is all my favorite textures of soft and crispy and cool in one bowl. I already want to go back there for more tomorrow. After dinner we went for ice cream at Toy Boat Dessert Cafe (you have to say the full name every time). I shouldn't have gotten a hot cocoa but I ordered the smallest one and I am still very full from it.

Yesterday we went to the San Francisco Farmer's Market at the Ferry Building. We used to go every week, but in the summer and fall it is way too crowded so we took a break for a while. Yesterday it was sprinkling and I always like to go to the market in bad weather to support the farmers that need to sell their goods rain or shine. We got our usual breakfast there- Chilaquiles with farm fresh eggs and avocado. The girls just get the eggs and avocado and a blueberry muffin and cinnamon bun. We sit on our picnic blanket and eat our breakfast while watching passers by crane their necks to look at us as if we are in a zoo enclosure. It is still amazing how much attention identical twins attract. Every San Franciscan who goes to the market has probably seen me stuffing a sauce laden tortilla chip in my mouth at some point. Oh Well.

The girls love the market and are learning about all sorts of fruits and veggies. Yesterday they asked if we could get more romanesco, a vegetable I first saw at a market in Normandy when I was 28 years old. We also got kiwis and Pomelos and grapefruit after many samples. Yum.

On the way to the market we went down the crooked part of Lombard Street and through North Beach where Coit Tower was in view. On the way back we went through China town where they were setting up for Chinese New Year celebrations and drove through the Broadway Tunnel. These are all sights in the San Francisco book that the girls love to read. We love living in San Francisco.

Hide and Sick

I lost one of my diamond stud earrings tonight. I should say I lost it again tonight because I have lost one of them three other times in the seven years three months I have been wearing them. Once it was on my pillow, once my sister found it in my parents' bathroom on the floor, and once it was on my shoulder and I later deduced it had been there for at least an hour!

My husband gave me the earrings on our wedding day. I rarely ever take them out of my ears. They are a part of me. But that is why it is always gut wrenching when I notice one is missing.

Tonight we discovered that it was missing when my husband found the backing to it on the bathroom rug. We had just switched places after I finished washing the girls in the bathtub and they wanted him to get them out of the tub. He noticed the backing and asked if my earring was missing and to my horror it was. Of course we had spent the 30 minutes before bath time playing Hide and Go Seek all over the upstairs.

My girls are not very good at hide and seek yet, something that makes me want to grab them up and hug them tight and tell them never to grow up. It is just so cute that I can be “hiding” in plain view behind a sparse bush with a bright red sweatshirt on and they can walk right by the bush and miss me while I am counting their freckles as they stand 6 inches away from me.

Anyway I had hid about 8 times and the last place I hid was a tough one- between the dresser and the wall and behind the laundry hamper with the duvet cover over my head. I hid so well because my husband was helping them look and I wanted to stump him too. I did for a minute, but then he found me and I will never forget the look of surprise and fear and joy on their faces when I popped out from under that duvet cover in a place they never considered looking.

Later, when I realized my earring was missing, I had to go through every piece of laundry in the hamper to make sure it hadn’t fallen out while I was hiding near the hamper. I ran my hand over the entire duvet cover- outside and inside to make sure it hadn’t gotten caught in it. I have never noticed so much dust or dog hair on our floor as I did tonight with my face 2 inches from it. I had to fight the urge to vacuum that second because I didn’t want to vacuum up my earring.

Of course I had also pulled off my sweatshirt and long-sleeved shirt to change into a tank top so I wouldn’t get my sleeves wet to give them a bath, and I set them on my bed with 5 quilts and sheets and blankets, two feet away from the dog bed with his two blankets. I have scoured every inch of every blanket we own because every blanket we own happened to be balled up next to the place I took off my sweatshirt over my head where my earring might have come out.

Whenever I lose something like this I am amazed at the thousands of steps I take in even a five-minute time span. At bath time and bedtime it might be close to 10,000 steps. Darting into rooms to grab a towel, a diaper, toothbrush, toothpaste, cortisone cream, socks, a hairbrush, pajamas, and relocating them all multiple times as two busy girls redistribute them from room to room.

I got that sick feeling in my stomach that I only get when something important is lost and I know I won’t be able to relax until I find it. I also had to get the girls ready for bed while being careful to watch and see if an earring fell down when I moved any object. I couldn’t stop scouring everything with my eyes. Maybe if I just look at every square centimeter of every surface of every object we have in our house, I will find it. But then, how do I know I lost it in our house? What if it is in the car? or in the walk from the car to the house? or at the Gymnastics studio? or the Warming Hut? or Trader Joe’s? or at the family’s house where I dropped off dinner so that they could have more time to care for their infant twins? What if it was in the soup or pumpkin bread I brought them? I had to stop looking and put my girls to bed. I felt like I would be sick for a week constantly looking for a tiny sparkling earring that was lost forever.

Whenever I lose something I make the same promises to myself. That I will be more organized, that I will get rid of the clutter, that I will vacuum and dust more, that I will keep better track of things that are important to me. I try to stay calm, to not beat myself up. But in my nervous energy of searching, I get more cleaning and organizing and purging done than in days when all seems right in the world.

Once the girls were tucked in and had gone potty again and had their fill of water and hugs and kisses and me sitting on the sofa “for one more minute,” I got out a flashlight and continued my search.

This was an idea from my mom who found a single stone from my engagement ring on the pantry floor of her 3000+ square foot house after hours of searching every square inch of the floor by carrying a wind-up flashlight and turning off the lights. My mom is incredible. I looked everywhere I had already looked except this time in the dark with a tiny keychain flashlight. Sadly, dog hair and dust show up in the dark too.

I turned on the light and was about to give up. I sat on my bed and took the headband out of my hair. I heard a tiny object hit the wood floor. It was my earring.

History

I couldn't sleep last night in anticipation of today's inauguration. I woke up so early to start watching the events. Both our DVRs are full of four different channels of coverage.

Katie and Carter were up so early as well. They were dressed with shoes on and hair fixed by 8am even though their school doesn't start until 8:45.

My plan was to be there as soon as the door opened, drop them off and zoom home just in time to see Obama take the oath of office. I didn't make it. I just couldn't take my eyes off the television so my husband took the girls to school today. He walked in the door just as Obama was finished with the oath.

I was upstairs, blinds closed to eliminate glare on the TV screen, watching intently in my softest pajamas and Ugg Boots. I am so proud of our new President. I am proud that our country is represented by such an intelligent, capable, successful, inspiring human being. He is sensitive, compassionate, inclusive, tough and resolved to make our country a better place in every way.

When he said what he said about bringing science back to the forefront, my tears started. I just feel like my soul has been in a frozen winter the past eight years and finally finally we can see some sunlight. I hope we are not too far frozen.

I hope my girls remember this day, when they were three and Barack Obama became our 44th president. It means nothing to them now, but I hope it will mean everything for their lifetime. I hope it will signify the time when our country righted its course and everything started to get back on track. To come back to life again.

I cried again when I saw Michelle Obama's mom watching the motorcade from the parade viewing booth. What she has witnessed in her lifetime and now she literally has a front row seat to this new dawn. I would love to read her memoir.

We also had our offer accepted on a new house for us. I am scared and anxious and cautiously excited. Inspections are on Monday.

Here's Hoping!

This and That

My sister Claire called me to tell me she just got done with a book I recommended to her and she liked it. It was so nice to get a call from her and hear her voice. Pleasant surprise.

It is in the high sixties here today and the Today show is showing all these other parts of the country that are battling dangerous cold. Chicago is 20 below with windchill and they are showing segments on the danger of frost-bite. When I lived in Providence and commuted to my office in Boston I had several days with the windchill making it feel like 9 degrees. Well, that's what the news said it felt like. To me it felt like ninety below.

My tears froze in the corner of my eyes like icicle daggers dragging across the surface of my eyeballs. I wrapped my scarf around my face and upper nose and still felt my nose hairs freeze together. I would walk the 6 blocks from the train station to the office and walk an extra 100 feet to the Starbucks across the street to get a coffee and a slice of pumpkin bread or a blueberry scone. I was trying to pack on the fat so that I had extra insulation by the time I had to walk home. I crossed the street to my building and opened the door only to be assaulted by 80 degree heat blowing in my already shredded eyes. I would walk up the stairs and go straight to the ladies room where I would remove 3 of the 4 layers of my clothing and then schlep my wardrobe, my coffee and my laptop bag into my office. What a routine.

I bring this up because on those days especially I would be homesick for California, the state where I spent all but 5 years of my life. I would call home to hear my mother's voice and would describe to her my Odyssean journey into work. She would listen and say, "Hmm. It's 69 here right now and I'm a little chilly in my shorts, but I had to switch to the shade because I was getting a sunburn." I love my mother, but she can be so cruel.

Today I feel just as cruel. I came back in the house before taking my dog for a walk so I could take off my sweatshirt and find my sunglasses. I hereby apologize to all the people in Chicago and Fargo and Providence for the fact that I am lucky enough to be back in California. "Sar-hee."


Something only my immediate family would understand: Songs playing on my iPod while I did five minutes on the rowing machine. Raspberry Beret, Alice is Wild, Nomads Indian Saints. The time flew by even if I can no longer lift my children.

Princess Stresses

My girls have hit the princess phase.



I think it started at preschool with the dress-up box. The obsession was nurtured by a vacation trip to Target with their grandmother where they selected Snow White and Belle barbies as a toy treat. These dolls they liked and played with, but they also played with lots of other, less royal, less Disney themed dolls. But then they saw Snow White (the movie) and there was all kinds of pretend play about poison apples and mean witches and who is the fairest of them all. It then hit obsession.

They selected some non-Disney neutral princess figurines from the toy store when their grandmother visited for their birthday. We figured non-specific princesses were better than the Disney marketing machine. Better for imaginations, better for self-esteem. Neutral princesses don’t necessarily need Prince Charming to come rescue them and help them live happily ever after. Maybe neutral princesses run the kingdom all on their own, governing with a just and intelligent authority. Maybe they don’t need a man with a cape and folded leather boots to save their lives with a kiss. Maybe they are not all white skinned, blue-eyed beauties with puffy sleeves and cleavage and a 10 inch waist.

I had a conversation with my friends about the obsession and the consensus was it wasn’t that bad and the Disney princesses give their daughters so much joy that it is worth it to see the smiles on their faces as they dress up. There was question about the impact of a talking princess camera that states, “You’re as pretty as a princess” when you push the button. As if that is something all should strive to be.

Santa brought a treasure box with three neutral (non-Disney) princess dresses and accessories, including soft slippers. My girls put them on and wore them for 5 days straight. One got puked on and had scarcely dried from the quick rinse before it was being worn again. Whenever the suggestion of removing the dresses was made, tantrums commenced and all was not well in the kingdom.

Daily plans were made by my newly three year olds for when they were really really good and would get a Snow White dress as a special treat. (All their invention- I never offered this). I saw one on big sale at Wal Mart and caved. I saved it for when they earned it with 5 stickers, but still- I purchased a Disney-themed princess dress (okay I purchased two of them- Cinderella was 50% off as well). The rules are that they can’t wear them outside the house, can’t wear them while sleeping, and cannot cry when we take them off. If they do, they can’t wear them the next day.

Two days ago there was a tantrum for the ages when it was time to take off the Snow White dress. It lasted an hour and a half. While my eardrums were ringing from the screaming I was cursing the whole idea of it all. That some very lucky girls have it all- the dresses, the looks, the perfect house, the perfect man, witty sidekicks to listen to all their problems and tell them the right thing to do, then to go get help when they follow their heart and do the wrong thing in the name of love, fairy godmothers to protect them, knowing and harmonizing animal friends to help you with your chores, and flawless bodies that can easily be carried to safety or swept off their feet in a passionate embrace. And at three, my daughters already want that for themselves. They believe when they put on those dresses and the god forsaken plastic high heels that make them walk wobbly and will surely sprain an ankle, that they are those princesses. I just hope that the real life realization that life and love are not fairy tales doesn’t hurt them too much. Or that they don’t waste too much of their creativity and energy pursuing an impossible ideal that sprouted in their minds at this tender age of three. I wish I could protect them from the let down.

They have already asked me to be Ursula the mean sea witch in their pretend play. How much longer until they are calling me that out of anger?

I was fine with the dinosaur obsession

and the Miss Viola Swamp/Miss Nelson obsession, but why is this princess obsession a thorn in my side?

Busy Week

I have started writing a couple posts when I have five minutes to sit down, but have not finished any of them. This past week we:

• Went to a third birthday party for some of our favorite twin friends. It was at a little gym place with tumbling mats and a ball pit and the girls really got into it. They joined in all the little circle time games and sang along to the songs. They really know how birthday parties are supposed to go now.
  
• Have been trying to find a loan and interest rates to make a second offer on a house.I may have to post separately about this later.
  
• Endured a hellish trip to a very overcrowded Academy of Sciences where I almost got into fisticuffs with the mean parking attendant, the girls did not want to share with other kids in the play area, and did not eat more than 2 bites of a $20 lunch.
• Wednesday David left and Katie and Carter had a marathon tantrum. The worst of their lives. After 35 minutes of having them scream in my ears while I was trying to calm them, I just started videotaping it. I may post it on here later if I can teach myself how. Toward the end of the tantrum they were screaming, “I don’t want to cry anymore, I just want to be good.”
• Got a privilege taken away for the first time! They are earning back the right to wear their princess dresses.
• Delivered cookies to a friend in the hospital who just had twins and two meals and pumpkin bread to a friend who just had her third- a singleton after twins. It feels good to do this for other people since it has been a while since I have been able to help anyone other than myself
• Put away all the Christmas decorations and addressed the last of our holiday cards.
• Cleaned the house and cooked and froze many meals.

No wonder I have not had time to post! David is gone through Sunday and I am out of practice taking care of everything by myself.

Chocolate Martyr

I once made a New Year’s Resolution to go a year without chocolate. I decided to do this because I heard a local radio personality say he didn’t make resolutions like that because they are impossible. I decided to prove him wrong.

I was 14 and LOVED chocolate. I now cringe at how much attention I called to myself every time I was in a situation where chocolate was involved and I explained in detail why I wasn’t having any. What a martyr I was.

In August of that year, at tennis camp, my friend inadvertently fed me a chocolate flavored Jelly Belly when I was blindfolded and we were doing a taste test. I spit it out as soon as I tasted the forbidden flavor and we all agreed that I hadn’t broken my resolution because there was no actual chocolate in the Jelly Belly.

At the end of the year I was about 5 pounds lighter. It was such a non-event when the year ended and I ate chocolate again. I wish I had a great story about THE chocolate I broke my sanction with. I can’t even remember what it was! So much for that year! What a waste!

Now I try to make meaningful, productive, positive resolutions. Here are mine for this year:

• To take time each day to notice the day, how it’s going and cherish it instead of letting it pass me by in my busy-ness
• To enroll my daughters in movement classes like gymnastics or yoga or ballet
• To use fewer paper and plastic products. My sisters gave me some cloth napkins and some home-made cloth farmer’s market bags for Christmas that will help me with this one. Maybe the ShamWow my husband and I gave each other for Christmas will also help with paper towel waste!
• To learn more about green detergents and cleaners and find brands that do the job well and don’t ruin the earth
• To stay in shape and exercise the dog more
• To try one new recipe a month
• To stay on top of the news
• To write thank you notes faster!

Happy New Year!

I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself to come up with the perfect inaugural blog post for my first ever blog.

My mom already put a lot of pressure on herself trying to come up with the perfect name for the blog she wanted to give me as a gift. She did all the research for me on how to start a blog and register the name and was going to do it all for me so I could just start. It seems she asked a lot of people what the name should be. There is nothing like finding out about the extremes of your personality through suggested names for your blog.

The trouble with all of them is committing to putting one part of your personality front and center. But, I have been a lifelong list maker, enduring the ridicule of my family and close friends and even husband for the abundance and length of my lists so “Life Off the List” seemed appropo. “Living La Vida Local” a nod to my passion for eating and buying locally was taken by someone in 2006 who still hasn’t written anything on their blog that was supposed to be about a trip to Spain. “Crazy with Twins” is appropriate, but a given at this point, and any reference to my dog, a whippet, would overemphasize my affection for whippets other than Jax. So here it is, Life off the List. Welcome!

Let’s start with a list:

To Do:

1. Watch the Rose Bowl (has it really been 9 years since Stanford was in it?)
2. Unload the car from our road-trip home from Christmas in San Diego
3. Unpack and put everything away- find places for all the new stuff in our already crammed apartment
4. Take down the holiday decorations, including the Christmas Tree
5. Finish sending Holiday cards. Find remaining addresses/Address/Stamp/Send
6. Restock the fridge
7. Figure out what we are going to have for dinner based on what I have in the freezer from the summer farmer’s market veggies
8. Finish thank-you notes from the girls’ birthday (gulp- December 14) and Christmas, including one to David’s Ancient Art professor from college who sent us gifts for the girls and copies of ancient examples of poses that our Christmas picture reminded her of. She is a rock star! Love her!
9. Locate my calendar and figure out what we have to do for the next week
10. Confirm the meeting room availability for the San Francisco Parents Of Multiples New and Expectant Parent Group Meetings that I facilitate.
11. Coordinate drop-off of a New Parent Meal for a new mom of twins in our area
12. SFPOM Board Summary
13. Post photos and videos from Christmas
14. Back up my computer

Okay, okay, you get the idea! And I feel a little more organized. I think I like this blog!

It is a brand new year and we have a lot to be thankful for. I just had a great visit with my family in San Diego. While there never seems to be enough time to know everything about everyone again and get to do all the things that each of us dreamed we would do while together, I think we got enough restful time together so that our visit didn’t leave us feeling drained or depleted. And we found time to:

• Make a ton of cookies and drop them off at the Scripps Ranch fire station (Great idea mom)
• To go to the family service at church- something I have loved doing since I was a kid (so fun to take my own kids and niece and see it through their eyes)
• To see my angels' faces as they noticed the Santa gifts left for them (they really believe they ARE princesses when they wear the dress-up dresses and shoes)
• Open up all our presents (we always say it is going to be a modest Christmas. It never is)
• Complete the traditional treasure hunt written by my dad (tradition started by his dad)
  
• Host a party the day after Christmas (we made multiple soups including White Chili which I need to get the recipe for)
• See old friends and their children!
• Recover from a day of vomit (third Christmas in a row that included a day of vomit)
• Take our family Christmas picture (always a monumental task)
  
• Play 3 different board games
• Have a dance party in the garage playground my parents set up (If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...)
  
• Go to the park and have a picnic, and
• Put together a 1000 piece puzzle!

All this while feeding three three-year-olds three meals a day and getting them down for naps and bedtime. We are finally able to do lots of fun things with 3 kids and still have fun ourselves!

The drive back to San Francisco took 13 hours. I was dizzy and disoriented when we emerged from the car, but the girls got to bed okay and I got the best news when I checked my email. I woke up feeling refreshed on this first day of 2009.
Here’s to a new year, a new blog and every day new reasons to feel grateful.