Thursday, April 1, 2010

Sick Month

I am realizing this week that we have been battling illness in our house for the past 6 weeks. Girls have stayed home from school far too much, it has rained a ton, I have been sick myself for about a month now. I am not getting enough rest to get better and it turns out I had a nasty bug that is resistant to the first round of antibiotics I was on. I stalled going to the doctor myself because I was too busy, then I was hesitant to go on antibiotics because I am breastfeeding and don't want to expose the baby to too many antibiotics too early unless it is truly necessary. Last week I was at my wits end with it. I was on my 10th day with a sore throat- sore enough to take advil every night. I was tired of trying to beat it with hot water that burns my tongue, gargling and snorting salt water, gargling with mouthwash and drinking a ton of water and OJ. Nothing was working and I was exhausted and in pain and wanted my own mom to take care of me instead of being up all night holding a coughing congested baby as he moaned in pain himself. Every single person in our family has been on antibiotics. I on two types. The baby is now battling a double ear infection and will not nap for more than 30 minutes. He moans and moans in pain and will not be put down when he is awake. I feel so bad for him, but I also feel bad that there is nothing I can do to soothe him. I give him Tylenol as often as I can, but it clearly is not enough. I hope the antibiotics work for him soon.

All of this has made me realize a few things: First, I am so incredibly grateful for health insurance. We have been to the pediatrician and the pharmacy countless times these past six weeks and we are still barely getting better. If I had to pay out of pocket each visit, I know I would be putting off the visits to the doctor and it would be a lot more stressful than it already is. I know our bills for all these visits will still be expensive, but without insurance, this six week period could put us in serious debt. Scary.

Second: I don't want to be a mom who puts herself last. It was really stupid of me to put off going to the doctor for so long. I know I was in a fog of sleep deprivation and worry about my kids and their health, but I need to also consciously take care of myself so I can better take care of my family.

Third: I have had too much comfort contact with my kids and not enough with my husband. I realize I have been holding at least one child every waking hour, and even in the sleeping hours. I am so glad that I can be there for my kids and that my body can be a comfort to them, but I need a day without dried snot on my neck and shoulders and in my hair. I need to give my hands a rest from constantly washing them. My back and hips and neck are so stiff from rocking and holding and lifting and soothing sick kids, and coughing as far out of their face as I can. And yet, I have barely touched my husband even for a hug since I have been sick. At first I wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. I don't want to get him sick and I have a hacking cough which is not nice to have in someone's embrace. Plus, when you can't breathe the last thing you want is someone crowding out your breathing room. But now, it's been over a month that I have been like this and I miss him! I still don't want to get him sick, but I just buried my head in his shoulder for a long hug. Adults need comfort and soothing too!

Fourth: Fevers are freaking SCARY. Part of me is in awe that our bodies can raise their temperatures to fight a bug. What a cool system! But when it is my own sweet babies who are burning up and glassy eyed, I am not so thrilled. My girls become motor-mouths when they have a fever. My first instinct now when they wake me up in the night to tell me something is to feel their forehead. 100% of the time they have a fever. I can handle it when they are talkative with a fever. The 104+ fevers that make them really quiet, so that you can hear their hearts beating out of their chests and see their gaze looking distant, those scare me to death. I cannot dose the Tylenol fast enough. I become the motor mouth, asking them questions, trying to get them to come back to themselves just so I am reassured that they will be okay. I stay awake and stare at them and hold their hands until I can feel the Tylenol start to work and their fever start to come down. I can't sleep myself until it is below 102 again. Any sound and I am back checking their temperatures. What did mothers do before the 5 second ear thermometers?

Last, These past six weeks could have been a lot worse than they have been. My kids are happy kids, and healthy and strong except for this cold/ear infection/throat infection bender we've been on. I am so grateful that we have what we have.