Help?

I must hold things awkwardly. Whenever I lift something, even what I believe to be a fairly light load, people always ask me if I need help. Some dive forward as if to catch what I just picked up. People have come up to me after watching me walk a ways with a heavy load to tell me they can't believe I carried that much that far- that they have been watching me for four blocks and thought I would drop everything long before. When I hand my husband my purse or diaper bag or luggage, he usually looks at me in surprise and then adjusts the load accordingly. When I was 17, someone who cared about me told me I never let people help me. My first thought was, that's not true, but seeing him empty-handed as I carried 4 bags on my body and an armload of stuff into a meeting gave me pause.

I don't know why I am like this. Maybe being the oldest child in a big family, I automatically try to carry as much as I can since I was always a helper. Maybe I am lazy and want to take as few trips as possible.

I certainly carry too much at a time. I don't need as much as I carry in my purse, my car, my attic and garage and bathroom cabinets. Having just moved it all I am ready to purge a lot of the extra stuff I have. Being pregnant I realize I need to lighten what I carry and take more trips from the car. But I still always automatically refuse help when offered. It's just a reflex reaction, and I am beginning to think it's silly. Allowing people to help you opens you up to a connection with them. I just automatically feel that no it's not necessary- save that offer for a time when I REALLY need help. Which is ridiculous because I would willingly help anyone as many times as they needed. It's not like there is only a certain amount of assistance out there and I will use it all up by letting people help me carry things.

I remember times when I was very offended when people assumed I needed help or just simply took things out of my arms as if I couldn't do it myself. I see this in my 3 year old daughters and I see how ridiculous it is. I see them struggle and I want to help them and they get really mad at me and tell me they can do it all by themselves. But then there are times when I know they can carry something of theirs in the house and they say they can't and I get annoyed then too.

My husband doesn't automatically offer to carry things for me. Ironically, this is something I like about him. He knows what I can and can't carry. A funny thing he always does that I tease him about is- he can't get in the car with anything in his hands. If he is carrying something to the car, he usually hands it to me before walking around to the driver's seat. As if it is easier for me to get in the passenger seat with all his stuff than for him to do it himself. Usually I just put it in the back before getting in myself. But why can't he do the same thing?

But lately, I get annoyed when he doesn't offer to help. Maybe it is the pregnancy, or the fact that my hip is hurting again, but if I am struggling, I don't want to be left alone, I want help. Total strangers notice this, but sometimes those closest to us do not. I am finding myself asking for help more, which is a big step for me. Help from my husband, my girls, my sister. I need to work toward asking for help from friends and acquaintances and even strangers as well. I know I would help if asked so I need to ask myself. It's still difficult though.